15 lessons from 15 years of motherhood

This year my oldest child turned 15, and the experience was a shock to my system. It felt like I’d been sucked into a portal: One minute I’m rocking a swaddled six-pound newborn as the Curious George soundtrack plays quietly in the background; the next minute I’m riding shotgun in my car, that same child is behind the wheel, and rap music blasts through the speakers daring to rupture my eardrums.

I survived the portal, and I’ve entered a new chapter of motherhood. To mark the occasion, I’m making a list of everything I’ve learned so far.

15 lessons from my first 15 years as a mom:

1. Sitting in the passenger seat when your teenager is learning how to drive feels like you’re speeding down the first big drop of the rollercoaster and the park attendant forgot to lock the safety restraints.

2. The years go by fast, indeed, but telling that to a new mom isn’t particularly helpful.

3. Regardless of every attempt you make to maintain your own identity, one day you’ll find yourself on the outside of your children’s lives looking in, and you’ll wonder where you fit.

4. Work-life balance is a myth. Sometimes you won’t realize how much help and support you need until you’re in the thick of things. Parenting makes you painfully aware of your limitations. 2020 proved this.

5. You have to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else. This is not a myth.

6. You’ll have regrets. Grieve the fact that you can’t reverse the clock. If you make a mistake, apologize. Maya Angelou has been quoted as saying, “You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.” Give yourself some grace. Most of the time, you’re patient beyond measure, with reflexes so sharp you can catch vomit in your hands. Train your brain to remember everything you did right.

7. Let your children go. Give them space to choose their budding social life over spending time with you. Give them space to learn for themselves how good it feels to come back home.

8. You’re not in charge of everyone’s mood. Give your children permission to feel all of their feelings. Sadness can be the gateway to happiness. (I wrote about that once).

9. Your children will never stop needing you, and at the most inconvenient times. First they follow you to the bathroom. Then they text you from school that they forgot something. Then you spend your weekends driving them all over town. You’ll be more willing to do these things when suddenly, high school graduation is right around the corner.

10. You don’t have to tell your kids about all the things you do for them and all the ways you support them. One day when you least expect it, they’ll realize how you showed up for them.

11. I’m starting to think that even when they’re adults, my children will never act right during a family photoshoot or at the dinner table.

12. Parenting is full of rough patches and sweet spots. Your relationship with your children has the potential to grow, evolve and deepen over time. Wisdom and perspective—for both you and your child—also come with time.

13. Sometimes your child’s struggles will trigger you, because it stirs up painful things that happened to you when you were a kid. This is an opportunity to heal. It’s an opportunity to give your child what you needed back then.

14. You’re always in transition. Just when you get the hang of one stage, you’re on to the next. Embrace it.

15. You’ll capture 40,000 photos and videos of their childhood. Each year you’ll say, “This is the year that I’ll create some photo books!” And then, you’ll put it off again.